I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
