I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
