I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
