i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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