I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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