im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I smell like Dick and happiness
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
