They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
