my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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