I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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