You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
