I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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