Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
