ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
