someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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