today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
