I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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