I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
