It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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