did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
