Pappa wants mamma naked
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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