Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
