8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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