the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
