life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
