I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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