hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
