Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
