Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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