If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
