the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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