Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
