I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
