Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
