so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
