If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
