oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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