my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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