I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
