no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
