Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
