will power is for people who don't want to get laid
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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