My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
