I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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