she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
