Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
