captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
