Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
