Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
