you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
