Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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